I Heart Rally English

Should English be an official language of Finland?

This was suggested  yeasterday by mr. Risto Siilasmaa, a big-time Nokia business manager. Nokia was a huge company but then it went down. It was because of the smart phones with Spotify and all that apps foolishness.

I personally think Rally English should be our official language here in Finland. It already is kind of our second mother tongue. And by English I mean the Rally English, the true form of English speaked by Finns. I myself prefer Rally English. There are quite a few reasons why.

Well let me tell you.

First, Rally English makes us Finns look honest and true even if a bit stupid. But its OK. We know we are not the smartest people on this planet. It's the Asians. Dude, they're IQ is like over 180 points all the time.

Come to think of it, Rally English is actually the purest form of Finnish communication. When you have only little to say and only few words you know and can also pronounce you have to really think what you say. Just think about formula driver Kimi Räikkönen. He drives Ferrari car, makes love to beautiful women, sings schlager karaoke and occasionally wears a gorilla suit.

Rally English is a way to speak even if you dont really want to speak. Thats why we keep seminars in English just between ourselves and everybody still has to speak Rally English. It's easier to communicate in Rally English than in our mother tongue because you can everything slower and keep it short in general. We Finns don't like to stand in the lime light too long. Then in the coffee break of the seminar we change back to Finnish which means we eat our seminar buns quietly in separate tables just yearning to get back to safety of the seminar room.

Alas, we Finnish seriously hate the seminar dinners. In dinners you have to sit with some Italian bigmouth whole evening and there is not enough red wine coming from the waiters. We would just want to be grilling on the seaside and having some pussikalja [pussy-cal-yah]. Like Rally English, pussikalja is Finnish way of talk about your inner emotions. Let me explain it briefly.

This is how the shit goes down: First you buy 18 beers and one plastic bag in your next door Siwa (a.k.a. local Wal-Mart). Then you put the plastic bag on the ground under your ass so that you dont wet your pants or have a virtsatientulehdus. Then you open up the first beer and by the time you get to the beer number eight, you open up your fellings, too.

Yes, I know the upper part sounds bit barbaric. But you have to excuse us Finns – we had our first proper fine dining dinner only so late than in the year 1984. It was held because mister Matti Nykaenen won ski-jumping gold medals in winter olympics. The place was Jyvaeskylae in Eastern Finland. Jyvaeskylae is also know as the "Athens of Finland". I seriously dont know why.
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Sorry, I kind of got lost in the pussikalja. Back to Rally English!

You mustn't forget that Rally English is also very much fun. There's lots of humour in it and we Finns know it. You just can't always tell it by the looks of us Finns. We just have great poker face! You of course know all the witty things mr Räikkönen has said. The Grand Master of this poker face humour is famous Finnish movie director Aki Kaurismäki. He is like Renny Harlin but only depressed and very French. Actually I think he is from Kerava. You can google that.

Rally English comforts us Finns. "I was fast but Carlos was faster", said another famous Finnish rally driver. He had just lost world rally championship to some Spanish dude. So, Rally English is a good way to get through the hard times and obstacles.

Hence, we Finnish people enjoy silence and thinking things. When people think Finns are depressed and sad they are actually just enjoying the silence. Well, they can be depressed and sad too, now to think of it.

Rally English is the way to have human relationships over the boards. Many Finnish woman like to have a international boyfriends and many Finnish elderdy men like to have oriental wife. And many middle-aged women go to Ghana or Cuba to have vital young men company as a holiday tour guide. If you know what I mean. So I think we Finnish are not racist we are just insecure and sometimes little rude. But our Rally English can help us give us love! All you need is love. I heart Rally English.

And last but not least. Rally English gives us, atleast I think so, very sympathetic reputation around the globe. Who could be angry with us Finns talking our native Rally English? Well, The Swedish, because we kicked their butt in ice-hockey, again. And the Russians, because we kicked their butt, too. In the World War 2. Twice.